Students are Addicted to Coffee

Coffee is not simply a “trend” anymore but more or less a lifestyle. The epitome of this cafe is not simply to take a couple of sips to enjoy and reminisce of the good old days but rather keep you alert, awake, ready to be on the go twenty-four hours and seven days a week. College students may as well as be carrying an IV pumping caffeine into their blood stream at all hours of the day. The long hours of sleep deprivation can no longer not have an answer for today in this millennia the answer is coffee.

1. We have way too many favorite coffee cups

2. When you start out your day with coffee, all is good.

A morning cup of joe takes away all of a college student’s sorrow.

3. We have a cup per assignment.

“On Wednesday we wear pink.” In English, we bring our Lilly mug.

4. But the sorry truth is that caffeine can only do so much.

No matter how much coffee you drink, the work will bring you down.

5. Your barista screwing up your order is your worst nightmare.

“When I said I wanted a skinny vanilla latte, I meant hold the skinny!”

But wait! Is that…?

It is! It’s a black guy!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, odds are at some point in your life you’ve run into a college kid. No doubt this experience was equally as strange as it was exciting. Roaming around a college campus almost feels like stumbling into some alternate dimension where  people who don’t vote tweet things like #feelthebern.

Wait… That’s this dimension? Damn.

But there’s more to college students than the overly-ambitious, yet debt-ridden zombies you see shambling hungover to their 8 am classes. In fact, these creatures are walking juxtapositions. Well, some of them are unicycle-riding juxtapositions, but that’s beside the point. Have you wondered if it would be possible to survive on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, Red Bull, ramen, and, if lucky, Easy Mac? Of course not. That would be awful and a surefire way to develop some sort of gastrointestinal disorder. But, according to a fake study I made up, in 2014 80.5% of all college kids survive primarily off of this… err … diet.

With this type of brain food, it’s no surprise that many of those who have encountered a college kid have no doubt heard his or her (or hir) constant complaining. Some people like to call this complaining rhetoric and pretend it makes them sound smart. But no matter what you call it, it is the first and foremost staple of attending an American university. If the complaining isn’t about the current socio-political climate, it’s about how little sleep they get. Apparently none of them sleep. But, it’s not their fault — nothing ever is. They attempt to cram an entire semester’s worth of education into a single week, drink themselves stupid three nights a week, and yet are still mystified at the fact that they don’t get enough sleep.

(Pretend there’s a segue here. I’m too lazy right now.) However, while not all college kids take advantage of their education and opportunity, most of them develop a very keen sense of political correctness. America’s national pastime used to be baseball. Now it’s listening intently for something to be offended over and then aggressively demanding an apology from somebody. Isn’t that lovely?

It’s a strange world that ultimately makes unique individuals conform to the thoughts of political correctness. Instead of individuals celebrating personhood, they compete in a witch hunt for political incorrectness. Is this article implying political correctness is a bad thing? No, it’s not. But is it implying that it’s wrong when Susan in Starbucks, who quietly complains to her friend, Angela, that “men are all the same” because she’s been experiencing some dating troubles lately, is immediately forced to apologize by the man in line front of her? Maybe. Meanwhile the poor barista is extremely confused and just trying to make somebody a pumpkin spiced latte.

Did you know that pumpkin spice doesn’t even have pumpkin in it?

Of course, not all college kids are created equal. Now, I don’t mean that in a white privilege sense, I mean that there are, in fact, many hardworking young Americans slogging through debt in an attempt to make a better life for themselves and their families. Yet, Steve in my biology class spends the lectures complaining of a “righteous hangover,” talking about that “banging blonde from the social,” or he’s not there at all. If I’m being honest, I would say he’s wasting his money on his education. And I mean, literally, wasting it. There was that one day in class he forgot a hundred dollar bill (which he probably used to snort cocaine) on his desk when he left. The starving liberal arts student next to him almost leaped across a table and punched another kid in the throat for it.

A wild Benjamin Franklin has appeared!

But honestly, who could blame him? College students aren’t used to seeing that much money in one place.

Exceptions: Strippers and drug dealers. This guy is neither.

The only time a student will have his, her, or hir hands on money is the fleeting moment between receiving loans and paying tuition. Tuition, which, by the way, will continue to increase from year to year until literally no one can afford to go to college anymore. Well, except for Donald Trump, but he probably wouldn’t know what to do with a textbook anyway. Can anyone even prove he knows how to read? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so.

Pictured: A college student paying tuition.

But on a serious note – most college students are not racist(we hope) or ungrateful. We are just lazy. We’re like a genderfluid, universal… gopher. Now excuse me while I go turn up on a Tuesday.

DON’T : Be “that” sorority girl

The sorority girl in her natural habitat, aka online shopping in her UGGS and leggings. People are probably looking at this girl with disgust, wondering if she’s just at school to get her MRS degree and party. There is nothing wrong with being in a sorority, and nothing wrong with dressing comfortably, but there is a distinction between throwing it in other people’s faces and staying low-key about it. Stay low-key, and no one will assume you’re an airhead.

DON’T: Vomit during class

Having a thriving social life in college is a great way to make friends, but no one is going to want to be your friend if you party so hard that you end up puking everywhere and on everything. If you are ralphing during class time, then you really need to sort out your priorities, because clearly you have let your social antics distract you from your studies! You should choose not to drink in certain social situations or drink responsibly during a night out on the town, and never be so drunk or hungover that you cannot fully participate in class!

DON’T: Think you’re too cool for school

College can be a great experience, but if you go in with the attitude that you’re better than everyone else, you may not fare so well. As pictured above, this stereotypical “nerdy hipster” is giving her audience a look of utter disgust, probably because they didn’t know some Indie band she referenced. Instead, you should be friendly to everyone you meet, whether or not they jam to independent bands that nobody’s heard of.

DON’T: Overdo school spirit

It’s great to have school spirit, but try not to get too carried away. You can expect a few puzzled glances from your fellow classmates if you rock an over-the-top ensemble on any ordinary day. Unike this overly enthusiastic Hokie, leave your school-colored pom-poms at home, and maybe don’t walk around campus with your hands permanently thrown into your school’s hand sign. Instead, save your spirit gear for the football stadium, and cheer on your team with the rest of your school!

DON’T : Stay on your phone too much

Look around you! There is a world to be discovered and experienced! Oh, wait. You aren’t seeing it, because YOUR HEAD IS DOWN IN YOUR PHONE CONSTANTLY! Young people today have a bad reputation of spending too much time on their smartphones and missing out on opportunities with those around them. You should remember to put your phone away now and again to genuinely connect with the people in your life. Trust me, that FarmVille notification can wait!

DO: BE YOURSELF

College is hard enough. Between trying to stay on top of all your classes, not going broke, and maintaining a social life, everybody is overwhelmed. We all feel lost, confused, and scared for our futures. The best thing you can do to make it all easier is be yourself. Friends, fun, and lifelong memories will follow!

1. We love our naps. Any time, any place.

When your nights consist of heavy studying and binge watching Netflix series (mostly the latter), sometimes you just need a quick snooze. Whether it be in your bed, the library, or the dining hall, there is never a place where we can’t fall asleep (OK, maybe the football games). And no, we don’t mind using a textbook for a pillow, especially when that same textbook is the reason we are so sleepy (sorry Genetics).

2. Frat guys aren’t the most intelligent.

Maybe it’s all the blood rushing to our heads during those keg stands. Maybe it’s the after effects of the hazing that we found so necessary in the rushing process. Maybe our backwards hats and Patagonia jackets are on too tight. Whatever it is, we’re not the brightest up there and academics aren’t our strong suit. But if you ever want to decrease your shotgun speed or improve your beer pong shot, we’d be happy to tutor you in that.

3. We only eat ramen noodles.

Or Cup of Noodles, whatever, we’re not picky. As long as it’s pasta that can be cooked in under 5 minutes and cost less than 25 cents a meal. When you pay as much for tuition as we do, cheaper food becomes tastier. We eat so much of it, we sometimes take it to class. Or we just eat it out in the hallway, smiling and laughing along the way, pretending this isn’t our fourth packet consumed today. Please help us.

4. We barely function during our 8 A.M.’s 

It’s funny, getting up at 6 A.M. 5 times a week in high school wasn’t that tough, but getting up 2-3 times a week for our 8 A.M. in college is suddenly the hardest thing in the world. The only thing getting us by is caffeine, lots of it. If that means fusing Red Bull and coffee, we’re about it. Oh, and can we get a 5-hour Energy for a chaser?

5. We have very “productive” study sessions.

Look how much time we spend studying together! We just love helping each other learn. It’s amazing, we don’t even need to have the same textbooks, that’s how good we are at it. We’ve been reading these books for so long we can read them upside down. Or two at a time. Just as long as it helps us ace that “English Literature of Harry Potter Genetics” exam we have tomorrow.

1.  Diverse and Intelligent Group of College Students

The group bond together in their ethnic and cultural diversity and that makes them happy.

2. Foreign Chinese Student Loves to Learn English

Pretty sure that book is upside down. Why is he so happy when he’s sitting in snow?

3. Four Diverse, Intellectual College Students Collaborate Using Modern Technology

(Notice the smiles, and looks of intrigue on the student’s faces. There is an obvious desire to learn displayed in this vivid photo.)

4. Young, White American Male Attempts to Swindle Intelligent White Female On Her Mobile Device

(Unfortunately for him, his counterpart is consumed with the hip new app, SnapChat)

5. Exhausted White Male Takes Time to Rest After a Long Night of Diligent Studying

(Take note of the coffee at his fingertips, a staple of refreshment for the college student.)

6. Culturally Diverse African American Student is Successful

You can easily tell from his business suit and his ethnic background that he is willing to work hard for an internship.

7. Chinese Student Exhausted from Math Enjoys A Leisurely Time of Watching Television

There is literally nothing on the screen… I think the TV isn’t even plugged in.

1. Ut Prosim All Day, Every day

Every student on the campus of Virginia Tech lives and breathes to serve the community, looking around every corner in hopes of finding a way to serve. Although class and grades are important, the real reason we came to Virginia Tech is to escort elderly women across Church street.

2. “Studying” Between Classes

Studying in cubicle on the fifth floor of Newman library gives a peaceful and quiet environment for studying. However, the real reason to snag a comfy chair and outlet is to finish that last season of Grey’s Anatomy without the possibility of someone seeing you shed a tear over Derek Sheppard’s death.

3. Sweet Dreams are Made of Ramen

Rated #1 in the nation for campus food, the effort can sometimes (most of the time) be very minimal.  Every student at Virginia Tech enjoys our Hokie-rific dining options, but the simplicity and readiness of Ramen has carved out a special place in all of our hearts.  From late nights studying, to lazy days lounging, every Hokie is ready to take the easy way out. 

4.  “Socially Interacting”

A walk on the drillfield now requires severe caution as texting and walking has taken over the lives of students. One can no longer assume they will be safe from colliding into another hokie. Lesson to all: proceed with caution and don’t plan on making eye contact with someone. If the desire arises to converse with someone you would be better off shooting them a text or tweet.

5.  Class change? Time to get on Hokie snaps.

BEWARE: Basic blonde girl impeding movement through the campus buildings trying to take the perfect selfie. Make sure to look up from your own phone to avoid making an unexpected appearance on Hokie Snaps.   

Taylor’s Swift’s 1989 / Virginia Tech’s 1989 Thousand Dollars in Debt

Taylor Swift’s iconic Polaroid album cover got us thinking. What else does the number 1989 mean to college students? Oh yeah! MONEY. Because obviously 99.99% of college students are broke as heck and won’t be able to pay off our student loans until we’re as old as someone born before 1989. Yay, interest rates!

N.W.A’s “Straight Outta Compton” / Virginia Tech’s N.W.A (No Work Available) “Straight Outta College”

Are you Straight Outta College and ready to start that dream job you’ve been working for four years to get? Well, too bad. Because there’s No Work Available for young millennials ready to join the workforce. Maybe it’s time to take out some more student loans, go to grad school, and put off becoming a real person for a few more years.

Green Day’s American Idiot / Virginia Tech’s Graduation Day: American Idiot

If you walked across the stage on graduation day to receive your liberal arts diploma you might be the real American Idiot. If you’ve been having dreams of tomorrow when you’re using that sociology or fine arts degree to get an actual paying job, then maybe you’ve been watching too much television.

The Beatles’ Abbey Road / Virginia Tech’s Walk of Shame

The lasting phenomenon that has plagued the early mornings of college town streets… The Walk of Shame. That poor soul walking back from a stranger’s apartment or dorm room, trying to be inconspicuous and failing quite miserably. A number of us are guilty of the Walk. A number of us won’t admit that it wasn’t love at first sight that just went horribly wrong at five in the morning for no apparent reason.  

Sam Smith In the Lonely Hour / Virginia Tech’s Homework in the Lonely Hour

“In the lonely hour,” we’re all sitting in front of a library computer trying to piece together the shambles of an assignment we forgot was due tomorrow. Homework is only the beginning, and we know that we’ll find ourselves back here before exams, trying to study for a class we never attended and from a book we never opened. The lonely hour is all about praying that you’ll magically have knowledge of something that you never learned.

(All original album images via Google images.)

1) You Still Use Your Daddy’s Credit Card.

Why try financial independence when online shopping, Fraternity formals, Big Al’s pitchers and Key West are calling your name?

2) Your Parents Might Not Be, but You’re Definitely Voting Liberal this Election.

If only Grandpa could understand “Feeling the Bern.”

3) You Can’t Live Without Your Coffee.

While many students indulge in the liquid luxury of Starbucks, Dunkin’ or Peete’s, caffeine comes in many forms and it’s an acquired taste.

4) You are Always Sleeping Around.

I mean, it’s a great way to meet new people?

5) 90% of Your Freshman Hall came from NOVA.

“WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” “NOVA!” – probably the most common overheard conversation the entire first semester.

1. You Snapchat Every Second of Your Day

We’ve all heard the phrase, “take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Well, it’s kind of true. You’ve got snapchat, so why not take a picture of everything you do? And of course you’re can’t forget the hashtag and appropriate emojis. But, you’ve gotta remember that there’s a ten second limit to fame.

2. You Document All of Your Outfits with Mirror Selfies

The mirror selfie is the main reason we try to look good for school. “Do it for the vine” has now become “do it for the snapchat.” But snap it quickly before another eager selfie-taker steals your fluorescent spotlight.

3. You Own a Selfie Stick

There’s always that one person that can’t take selfies.  You’re looking the wrong way girl! #selfiefail

4. You Take Pictures of Assignments Rather Than Writing Them Down

Who has time to take notes in class anymore?  It’s much easier to take a quick pic and you’re sure to get the right information.

5. Every Single Party You Go to Ends Up on Your Snap Story – Even Class Parties

We’ve heard of Thirsty Thursdays but the new fad of Friday morning turn-ups is quite hot on college campuses. There’s no better way to celebrate a Friday morning than waking up hungover, eating a healthy bowl of Captain Crunch, and going to class with a drink in hand. The fact that professors let selfie sticks in class really is absurd.

Check out #6