College Kids: What are they?

Well, they’re mostly white. Sixty percent white, in fact. That’s a real number; the government told me that.


But wait! Is that…?


It is! It’s a black guy!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, odds are at some point in your life you’ve run into a college kid. No doubt this experience was equally as strange as it was exciting. Roaming around a college campus almost feels like stumbling into some alternate dimension where  people who don’t vote tweet things like #feelthebern.


Wait… That’s this dimension? Damn.

But there’s more to college students than the overly-ambitious, yet debt-ridden zombies you see shambling hungover to their 8 am classes. In fact, these creatures are walking juxtapositions. Well, some of them are unicycle-riding juxtapositions, but that’s beside the point. Have you wondered if it would be possible to survive on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, Red Bull, ramen, and, if lucky, Easy Mac? Of course not. That would be awful and a surefire way to develop some sort of gastrointestinal disorder. But, according to a fake study I made up, in 2014 80.5% of all college kids survive primarily off of this… err … diet.


With this type of brain food, it’s no surprise that many of those who have encountered a college kid have no doubt heard his or her (or hir) constant complaining. Some people like to call this complaining rhetoric and pretend it makes them sound smart. But no matter what you call it, it is the first and foremost staple of attending an American university. If the complaining isn’t about the current socio-political climate, it’s about how little sleep they get. Apparently none of them sleep. But, it’s not their fault — nothing ever is. They attempt to cram an entire semester’s worth of education into a single week, drink themselves stupid three nights a week, and yet are still mystified at the fact that they don’t get enough sleep.

(Pretend there’s a segue here. I’m too lazy right now.) However, while not all college kids take advantage of their education and opportunity, most of them develop a very keen sense of political correctness. America’s national pastime used to be baseball. Now it’s listening intently for something to be offended over and then aggressively demanding an apology from somebody. Isn’t that lovely?


It’s a strange world that ultimately makes unique individuals conform to the thoughts of political correctness. Instead of individuals celebrating personhood, they compete in a witch hunt for political incorrectness. Is this article implying political correctness is a bad thing? No, it’s not. But is it implying that it’s wrong when Susan in Starbucks, who quietly complains to her friend, Angela, that “men are all the same” because she’s been experiencing some dating troubles lately, is immediately forced to apologize by the man in line front of her? Maybe. Meanwhile the poor barista is extremely confused and just trying to make somebody a pumpkin spiced latte.


Did you know that pumpkin spice doesn’t even have pumpkin in it?

Of course, not all college kids are created equal. Now, I don’t mean that in a white privilege sense, I mean that there are, in fact, many hardworking young Americans slogging through debt in an attempt to make a better life for themselves and their families. Yet, Steve in my biology class spends the lectures complaining of a “righteous hangover,” talking about that “banging blonde from the social,” or he’s not there at all. If I’m being honest, I would say he’s wasting his money on his education. And I mean, literally, wasting it. There was that one day in class he forgot a hundred dollar bill (which he probably used to snort cocaine) on his desk when he left. The starving liberal arts student next to him almost leaped across a table and punched another kid in the throat for it.


A wild Benjamin Franklin has appeared!

But honestly, who could blame him? College students aren’t used to seeing that much money in one place.


Exceptions: Strippers and drug dealers. This guy is neither.

The only time a student will have his, her, or hir hands on money is the fleeting moment between receiving loans and paying tuition. Tuition, which, by the way, will continue to increase from year to year until literally no one can afford to go to college anymore. Well, except for Donald Trump, but he probably wouldn’t know what to do with a textbook anyway. Can anyone even prove he knows how to read? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so.


Pictured: A college student paying tuition.

But on a serious note – most college students are not racist(we hope) or ungrateful. We are just lazy. We’re like a genderfluid, universal… gopher. Now excuse me while I go turn up on a Tuesday.